I Have No Words....

I have no words...

A phrase uttered by everyone when a shocking, sudden tragedy happens.

No, Covid isn't what took her from us, but it will keep us from being together to celebrate her life.

This is my eldest sister, she would have turned 60 in March. She was given her wings last night.

24 hours was all it took. Admitted to the hospital Saturday night, gone by Sunday night. We don't have full answers, and may never get them. Maybe we will have to be okay with that, we just don't know. 

She was a kind and generous soul, funny, fabulous and flawed. She was sassy and stubborn, brave, beautiful, and a bad influence, in the best possible ways.

She was our family's human database, keeping track of all the birthdays, anniversaries, and mailing addresses. In a family the size of ours, that was no small feat. 

She inherited our Dad's love of nature, in awe of the deer and birds that will continue to grace the grounds of the acreage she shared with her husband and had a somewhat unhealthy obsession with ladybugs.  

I can't even tell how much I'm going to miss our almost daily phone calls, critiquing movies, books, music, and exhaustively solving all the world's problems, over coffee. 

As I struggle to allow this in, as the reality of it seeps through the fog of shock, my heart breaks for all of us who are robbed of the chance to say a proper goodbye because of this pandemic. Countless mourners left without that outlet, that gathering of loved ones, that time to tell stories and share memories.

I can't wait until this virus is in the rearview mirror. Enough. 

I know these ramblings are pretty self-indulgent. I know my grief is no more potent, and no more important than the grief of others. But, this is where I am today, and to write anything else would feel disingenuous, dishonest, and phony. 

Grief is love with nowhere to go. The best way we can honour those who go before us is to live our lives, doing our best to fulfill their best wishes for us. 

For now, we will simply get through, breathe, and be there for each other in every way we can.

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May we all feel the hug you know she'd give us if she could.

May we carry each other through this, through tears, through humour, as you know she would.

May we all think of her every time a ladybug presents itself in our midst.

May we keep her in our hearts, this keeper of birthdays, lover of lists.

May she rest easy, her work here, now is done.

May she rest easy, there are no words, we are going to miss her, this special one.

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