The Dark And The Light...

 

Hi!

There are so many platitudes and cliches about light and dark. Practical, existential, figurative, and literal. 

There are poems, plays, movies, and books that have this very concept as a central theme. Through the ages, this particular well of inspiration has been tapped countless times. Everyone from Shakespeare to Tarantino has drawn from it.

Why? One reason, I think, is as a simple reminder.

A reminder that no matter what you are going through, everything is temporary. A reminder that life is a series of ebbs and flows, and that is one of the rare constants in life. A reminder that we all have sunshine and storms. A reminder that although we all weather storms, our shelters vary greatly. 

Some sit in brick and mortar, solid, unyielding, basking in the benefit of generations of upkeep and care. They walk with a confidence they don't even know was a gift from where their family tree took root. 

Others scramble into doorways, do their best to shield themselves in unanchored, leaky tents, the product of damaged and traumatized generations made unable to lay the simplest of foundations, leaving those who need it most, vulnerable to every element. 

As I write this, on this 30th day of September, it is, in Canada, our National Day for Truth and Reconciliation. 

Every Indigenous person in our Country is either a residential school survivor, the child of a survivor, or the grandchild of one. This remains, in my mind, the most shameful part of our history as a nation. The incredible cruelty, the abuse, the murder, the evil that drove the whole concept, all of it.

I wish I could sit here and say that yes, it was horrible, but it's all better now. I wish I could, but that's not even remotely close to the truth. Our systems, our governments, are still slanted to heavily favour nonindigenous peoples. If you look at the way our education systems, our judicial systems, our welfare, our foster care, all the systems, if not completely broken are twisted, stretched and distorted to the point that they don't come close to providing the safety nets they were designed for. 

Their designs, from the beginning, were put in place to control, contain, and make sure colonists could monitor, and maintain authority over a people who didn't ask for it, need it, or want anything to do with it. 

The narrative has been rewritten over the generations, trying desperately to make it seem like charitable kindness, like, somehow indigenous people in our country get a free ride, when we all know the truth is that we are just trying to ease our own guilt, putting bandaids on the bullet holes we inflicted. 

We need to do better. We need to rethink, revamp, and restructure our systems so that they can work for everyone. We need all people to be at the table where decisions are made with equal representation. 

This is our Country, Canada. This is our mess. We made it. 

We not only showed up uninvited and claimed land that was not ours even a little bit,we then decided that taking land wasn't enough, no, we then felt compelledto force the people we pushed from their homes into permanent interment camps we so fondly named "reservations", like they should be honoured, in some twisted way. Then that wasn't enough either, we had to rip their kids from their arms in the name of the Church and government, saving children that only needed saving from us. They were fine before we came along.

Before we got here, they were fine. They had struggles, of course, but every tribe had their own way of thriving. They had been doing it for centuries without any interference from us. But somehow, we, wearing our superiority complex like a badge of honour, thought we knew better, that we were better... yeah, that was a load of crap.

So, that was truth, but what does reconciliation even look like?

rec·on·cil·i·a·tion

/ˌrekənˌsilēˈāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. 1.

   the restoration of friendly relations.
2. 
   
3. 
   

That's the official definition.

1. 
   

You can't unring a bell, especially one dripping, drenched in blood and trauma

Where do we even begin to repair all of the damage we have done? 

We have proven ourselves over and over again to be completely untrustworthy. We have renigged on virtually every "deal" we've ever made. 

How do you rebuild a foundation from the bloody bones of stolen children?

Trust. Through consistent actions that prove we are worthy of that trust. Not words. Actions.

I think it's the only way, and it's going to take at least as long as it took to do the damage. People don't just "get over" generational, horrific trauma. They can't, they shouldn't. We should be held accountable for all of it. It's up to us to prove ourselves. 

Everyone needs to be at the table.

The thing is, it's their table, we took it, burned it, built another from their bones, and now want to make them beg for a seat. 

The dark and the light. Without the dark, the light seems not to shine as brightly.

With a lot of work, and I do mean a LOT, maybe, just maybe, we can all walk side by side in the sun, leaving shadows of the past in the distance. 

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May we all recognize how we came to be here.

Fifty Shades Of... What?

 Hi!

As an interested observer of human nature, what makes people tick fascinates me. Not just what people do, but why do they do it?

For example, how can people who grew up in the same household, born within a few short years of each other, with the same parents, with a consistent value/belief system, end up viewing the world in such incredibly different ways?

Does the way we are parented have less impact than we think? I mean, you hear it all the time about "how people are raised", "who raised you?", "I didn't raise you to act that way!"

Is who we eventually become influenced more by what happens after we leave the nest? The life experiences we choose, fall into, happen beyond our control. Do these things leave a deeper mark on who we become than how we were disciplined, if or where we worshipped, what kind of school we went to, where we lived, how poor we were, etc?

How heavily does the way we leave the nest impact what follows? Not all virgin flights are amiable. Not even close.

It's interesting.

Personally, I grew up in a household where things were pretty black and white. Things were either good or bad. Right or wrong. There was precious little space for any grey.

So? Fifty shades of... what?

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only were there a millions shades of grey, but also of red, green, purple, blue, orange and every other colour of the rainbow. 

Imagine my delight in finding out that not everything I had been led to believe was fact. 

Things like the fact that morality and religion actually have very little to do with each other. That good people come in all shapes, sizes, colours, genders and orientations. That horrible people can be charming and pretty, and come from "good" families. That those who revel in wielding the proverbial gavel are usually the least qualified to do so. 

Things, like there are people who soak in ignorance on purpose because they are driven by fear. They find it easier to hate than learn. They seem proud of their lack of empathy and compassion for anyone who lives outside of their neat little black-and-white boxes. 

So, what makes us... us? 

We are the sum of our experiences, good and bad. Trauma and triumph. Hurts heal, but scars tend to linger. It's how we manage those scars that either builds our character, or grinds and distorts it into something we don't like to see reflected in the mirror. 

The older I have had the privilege of becoming, the more clear the picture. 

Gavel wielders are going to wield the gavels no matter what you do, so do you. 

The only opinion of you that truly matters is your own, but you need to be objective. Step back, take stock, doing an autopsy of how you choose to walk the earth, your expectations of yourself, and how you treat others. Study yourself and make adjustments where needed. Accept that you are flawed, but that's not all of who you are. Perfection is fiction. The goal is to simply be better than we were yesterday. 

Kindness is everything.

Tolerance and acceptance are not the same thing.

If you are obsessed with your religion, carrying even only a slight feeling of superiority because of it, you're absolutely missing the point. 

Forgiveness isn't for those who have hurt you, it's freedom you give to yourself. The weight of past transgressions will only hold you back.

Life is hard enough without adding to it on purpose.

Joy is NOT a privilege. Seek it, create it, bathe in it, embrace it, spread it. 

What makes us...us? We are fifty million shades of a trillion hues of every colour seen by the naked eye. 

We carry with us pieces of our upbringing, we add experiences, we grow, we change, we adapt. We walk the earth on a path that's uniquely ours, each at our own pace, chasing the odd butterfly, surviving some storms, finding shelter in the arms of those who care. 

Ultimately, we are whoever we choose to be. Choose well.

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May we allow ourselves to absorb joy. That's its purpose. 

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Equal Is Not More...

 

Hi,

It never ceases to amaze me, the things that people will believe.

Granted, those who choose to spend their time trying to bilk people out of their money, or say things that are massively untrue in some attempt to show themselves in some kind of magical light, or spread rumors grounded in nothing but... well, nothing, are going to continue, as long as it keeps working.

I mean, if they are achieving whatever their goals may be by simply portraying lies as fact and nobody bothers to check before continuing this dangerous game of telephone, what incentive to they have to stop?

It's a lot like when toddlers discover that tantrums make grown-ups react... especially in public. If small tantrums get them what they want when they are little, why would they possibly think they wouldn't work forever?

They will push it until someone shows them that that is not how the world works if you care to walk this earth with any kind of decency. Allowing it to continue chips away at their developing character until they become an adult who thinks they can act abhorrently, or say absolutely anything, as long as it gets them what they want. 

I have encountered people who lie habitually, who then have the audacity to be offended when you don't believe them, or worse yet, call them out on their crap. 

I have known full-blown adults who are capable of throwing tantrums and do so frequently, to get their own way. It might not consist of throwing themselves on the ground kicking, screaming, and crying hysterically, but... sometimes, apparently, it does. No in adults it tends to be a bit more subtle, at least, most of the time.

Adults, or should I say, people that are the age of adults, tend to be passive/aggressive, give silent treatments, withhold affection, yell, commit emotional extortion, bully, and, yes, even get violent to get their own way. or simply to force agreement.

It's the same with certain things out in the ethos. 

For example, I know otherwise very intelligent people who were completely pulled in by this " the parents of kids who want to identify as furries, are demanding litter boxes in schools."

This was patently untrue, yet saturated the gossip sphere to the point that the school division found it necessary to put out a public statement refuting the whole ridiculous scenario. 

I know, in the grand scheme of things, the whole "furry" thing is fairly insignificant. But, it doesn't stop there. 

These same liars try to make people believe that representation equals indoctrination.

That, somehow, just because very underrepresented groups that are currently rarely, and until very recently, were never seen in movies, tv shows, and advertisements, unless they were being stereotyped or made the butt of some sad joke, are finally getting to see themselves... somewhere... anywhere, that this is, by some imaginary measure, them "trying to take over," or "throw it in our faces," or trying to "groom" kids to become part of the queer community. 

It's all so dumb.

The queerphobia that is bubbling to the surface, the sheer cruelty that it encourages, and the absolute damage that it does needs to be addressed in a real way. 

I'm not sure how to scratch the surface of what makes the believers of this garbage tick, let alone forge some kind of real change. But, I need to try.

They are trying to force the most personal private things about a person into the political arena, when it has absolutely no business being there. 

They want to force kids to out themselves before they are ready with a complete disregard for the kids' mental health or safety. What if that coerced circumstance puts that child in very real danger? What if they get thrown out, beaten, emotionally destroyed? Just because liars are believed.

They are weaponizing religion to disparage and gain even more control over a vulnerable group. I mean, it's hardly the first time. Salem witch trials, chastity belts, slavery, Indigenous residential schools, claiming birth control is a sin, women's reproductive rights... need I go on?

This is just the newest version.

I have a question. Why are the perpetuators of these distortions so scared of people who have neither the intent nor the ability to hurt them in any way?

All they are asking for is to be treated with the same respect and given the SAME rights as everyone else. Not MORE, just equal. If two consenting adults choose to enter a relationship, maybe decide to get married, have a family, why is that a problem? 

If a child feels such a level of discomfort in their own skin, who am I to offer an opinion? I don't know that child. I don't know their parents. I'm NOT a doctor. Why is it everybody's business? Why should I be able to stop them from getting the help they need because I'm uninformed, misinformed, or willfully ignorant? 

Every situation is going to be unique, as all personal situations are. This is why NONE of it is our business. 

Support, embrace, be kind.

If information is trying to steer you toward fear, hate, judgment, and exclusion... stop.

Just stop to think about what they are asking you to believe, hate, and fight against.

Under some guise of fighting for your freedoms, they are instead, systematically trying to strip freedoms from those much more vulnerable than you.

They try to tell you that transgender people are predators.  Worldwide stats prove straight white men claim, by far, the majority of this horrible slice of sub-humanity. 

They try to tell you that drag queens can be nothing but inappropriate when it comes to being around children. That's just flat-out insane. Do yourself the favour of attending a drag queen story hour. Leave your kids at home for the first one, so you can check it out. I guarantee, if you go with even the slightest glimmer of an open mind, you'll quickly discover how ridiculous the whole fear thing has been. 

They try to tell you that kids simply learning true history will leave them despondent and depressed, make them feel bad about whence they came. Hmmmm... think about that. How do you suppose being force-fed the whitewashed versions of history makes Indigenous, black, Asian, or any marginalized group feel?

They try to tell that your children simply being around people of the queer community is somehow detrimental. That's just ass-backwards. When kids hang out with vulnerable people the only thing they learn is empathy. 

 Maybe, just maybe, everybody learning the uncandycoated, entire truth would be healing for all of us. 

If information is trying to steer you toward fear, hate, and exclusion... stop.

Equal is not more. 

Freedom without freedom for everyone, is no freedom at all. 

No one, no religion, not government, has any business in the relationships, bedrooms, or doctor's offices of consenting adults and their children. These are humanity's most personal spaces. Just stop. 

I hope this made a scratch.  I hope.

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May you take a beat and think about why one body of humans wants to make you fearful of another.

May you stop and think why a religion would want you to judge, exclude, and cause harm to thers?

May you question why a swath of humanity feels so threatened by others simply receiving the exact same rights they have been privileged to have for so long?

May you just stop.

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"What If "Vs. "Why Not?".....

 Hi!

Before I even start, I think I need to reiterate the fact that I am not a doctor, or therapist, or have any letters at all that follow my name.

All I have is life experience and a keen sense of observation. I can't count how many times, throughout  my life, I've been told "You don't miss much do you?" That, my friends is not a flex or a brag, it's not always an advantage, but it is what it is. 

So, knowing this, and, as always, please accept or reject the following as you see fit.

Some recent conversations with various people that come from very different walks of life, are in different age groups, and different cultures, have led me to believe that there are still way too many people out there allowing fear to make their decisions, or at least, some of them.

It's being given the power to rob people of joy, adventure, new foods, new experiences, all kinds of fabulous things. Some have come to the sad conclusion that if something makes you feel at all uncomfortable, nervous, or anxious in any way that you shouldn't do it.

Think about that.

If humankind had never pushed beyond discomfort we wouldn't have cures for pretty much anything, we wouldn't have electricity, cars, planes, or any part of the small understanding we currently have of the universe.

Everything worth achieving, creating, discovering, is forged in discomfort.

Anything you have done in your life that helped you grow as a person, helped you achieve professionally, academically, helped you discover what lights you up, any of it, all of it, couldn't have happened if you had simply quit when you ran into discomfort.

Discomfort is the word we use when fear makes us feel weak. Fear breeds discomfort, nervousness, and anxiety. I think this simply give names to the different levels of fear.

Don't get me wrong, fear isn't always bad.

To me, there are two kinds of fear. 

Good fear: This, and again, this is only my take on it, is what can keep us out of dangerous situations. It's rational, and driven by our unconscious survival instincts. It's reflexive, it keeps us safe.

Through life, childhood trauma, negative experiences, bad relationships, we get bumped around. We get hurt, we have scars put upon us. Over time, that trauma, those scars, begin to skew the lens we look through. Not always a lot, but it's there.

This skewed view can also be hereditary, if we aren't careful. We need to be careful.

Good fear, that natural instinct that tries to keep us out of harm's way, can become twisted, distorted, causing more harm than benefit. It can, if we let it, keep us from discovering joy.

If left unchecked, the slight discomfort becomes tough to take and graduates into nervousness, which can take us to crippling anxiety. Anxiety is what discomfort becomes if you feed it well, and give it wings. 

So, good fear. It's rational, it's reflexive, it keeps us safe. Unchecked it becomes bad fear.

Bad fear:

This is the fear that keeps us trapped in the prison of our comfort zones. It prevents us from living our lives filled to the brim with the joy of what truly lights us up. 

Bad fear serves no good purpose. It twists our "why nots" into "what ifs."

The 'what ifs':

What if they don't like me?

What if I don't get into that school?

What if I screw up the interview?

What if I don't get the response I'm looking for?

What if they reject me?

What if I don't make the team?

Then these turn into rearview mirror what ifs. 

What if I had? What if it would have worked? What it they had said yes?

Joy-sucking poison.

Soooo.... Why not?

Why not will serve you much better than the what ifs.

Why not try? Play that what if game through to the end. Unless it leads to absolute, complete and certain devastation, then, again.... why not? 

I truly believe that at the end of our lives we will absolutely regret all the things we didn't do, much more than the things we did.

Not everything we do will turn to gold. But, let's be honest, those are the lessons that make the best stories. 

When you find yourself hesitating in making a decision, big or small, before you walk away, ask yourself which kind of fear is driving that decision. Do yourself the favour of telling yourself the actual truth. 

So do the things. Sing in front of a crowd, try out for that team, apply for that job, apply to that school, write the book, audition for the part, ride the bike, bake the cake... 

Do the things that will break you out of prison. Why not?

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May you break the barbed ribbons that tether you to your fear, 

May your scars heal at least enough to allow you to let go.

May your vision, as you begin to embrace your new freedom, become completely bright and very clear.

May you, as you discover, help keep the tethers away from the littles that emulate you as you go. 

Why not?

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The Sun Sets On Summer...

 

Hi!

I know it's not official just yet, but it feels like summer is over.

Where I live, kids are heading back to school after the weekend, it's back to routine, enforced bedtimes, early mornings, and an end to this year's rendition of summertime adventures. 

Don't get me wrong, I love fall. 

Summer is nice, I love the slowed pace of it, but the heat is not my friend. I know some love it, and thrive in it, I'm just not part of that some. 

Hence, loving fall. 

So, as you get ready to send your littles, and not-so-littles, off to the next step of their educational journey, take a second to take it in. 

This is the one and only time they are entering this moment. 

Their first day of grade whatever it is. They're facing new teachers, new kids, new bus drivers. They are, within themselves, just a little different than when they left last year. They might be a bit taller, a bit more unsure, a bit awkward. They might be dealing with the beginnings of a deeper voice, or feeling completely self-conscious about a first sports bra. They might be discovering all kinds of things about the person they are becoming and are struggling with confidence. They might be riddled with anxiety as the whole thing seems monumental. 

They might be raring to go, full of confidence paired with expectations, set impossibly high. They may have visions of being the captain of everything, the most popular, smartest, most attractive human that will walk the halls. 

It's likely going to be better or worse than they think, rarely is it exactly as they expect it to be. 

So, as you ready your littles, and not-so-littles, take a minute. Give them the gift of some of your undivided time to help them navigate the turmoil, whether it's triggered by excitement or dread. For them, it's like starting a new position at a job. Exciting, but a bit nerve-racking. 

I understand that school supplies are stupid expensive, but they don't need to feel that.

I understand that helping with homework gets both increasingly and equally foreign and difficult, but they can't be held responsible for that.

I understand that running from one activity to another puts a strain everything, but this is literally what you signed up for when you said yes. 

I understand that keeping track of all the things is exhausting. It just is.

But, before you know it, this too shall pass, and in a weird way, you'll miss it.

So, as the sun sets on summer, take the minute, the gift of undivided time is not only theirs. 

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May all good things come to you and yours as the school year begins.

May you get met, at the end of the day, with nothing but shining, bright, grins.

May all homework be simple, and every call from a teacher bring fantastic news.

May each morning be enveloped in sunshine and rainbows, each evening run smooth.

May this fantasy carry you through all of the negotiations involving bedtimes and curfews.

May patience, because you'll undoubtedly need it, become one of your strongest virtues.

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